Please join the queue

George Bernard Shaw said patriotism is the conviction that your country is superior to others because you were born in it. I was born in India and hence India is the greatest nation for me. We have a great past, an economy that is growing at a breakneck speed and enough corruption that encourages Indians to migrate to USA.

From cows on roads to people talking in English with fake accent we have the best and worst in the world. Usually we tend to remember the best and shrug shoulders about the worst saying that’s the way things are. However, one of the best things that recently happened is that finally we have realized corruption is unacceptable and the worst is we all still long to have an out of turn chance.

Thanks to multiplexes we don’t have to stand in long queues and since we still don’t have enough multiplexes, single screen theatres have long queues and tickets are sold in black. Nothing wrong with that. It’s simple economics. The demand for tickets exceeds the supply and somebody is making money by hoarding tickets. Ok, not simple economics, just simple Indian economics. #IndianCulture

I don’t think it is wrong. Some people support the fight against corruption and find nothing wrong in purchasing tickets in black or bribing a traffic cop. My guess is the fight against corruption for these guys is a fight against people accepting bribes because as per them the payer of bribe is always a victim.

I don’t care about the black ticket market. What i really hate is when somebody approaches people standing near the ticket window and requests them to buy a ticket for him. The general attitude about it is that it’s nothing wrong as long as i do it. I know it is not illegal but definitely it is wrong.

I saw the same happening when i was standing in the queue for Harry Potter7 and i wondered what was the conversation between the person standing in queue and the guy with Rs 100 in hand:

SOB: (showing a Rs 100 note) Excuse me, please buy one ticket for me.

Guy in queue: Who me? Are you nuts? I stood for half hour to reach here and so many people are standing behind me. Look at the queue. It is so long. You want me to buy a ticket so that the last person in the queue won’t get a ticket for which he might have stood more than an hour. What is wrong with you? Do you want me to screw the last guy in the queue just because i could help you and feel nice?

SOB: Yes.

Guy in queue: Ok. (Takes the Rs 100 note).

You know this is all what is wrong about India. We are not bad people. We just love to please people and so we do things which we are not supposed to do. In fact we are such nice people that when we are standing at the end of a queue and see someone trying to purchase tickets by breaking the queue we don’t shout, “Boss, you are not handicapped and the queue is not that long. Please join the queue.”

Boling water, burning fingers

Few days back i visited a doctor and was diagnosed with stomach infection. The doctor told me to drink boiled water and i told her that i drink only Bisleri and beer. She replied, “Still, drink only boiled water.” I waited for her to add ‘Also only boiled beer’ but she didn’t mention it.

The reason i order a 20 liter bottle of Bisleri every week is not because i am rich but because i am lazy. The drinking water tap of the house i stay is on the ground floor and i stay on the first floor. Thanks to the mall revolution in India the only mode of travelling within floors i am now comfortable is escalators and lifts. Hence, i find the task of walking one floor down just to fetch 2-3 bottles of water as tedious as sitting in a meeting doing small talks with my boss until other team-losers (members) show up or send a message that they are too busy to attending meetings.

Today i poured water in a cauldron and put it on the gas for boiling. After few minutes i spotted something in the cauldron and to remove it inserted my finger in water. Yeah, i know what you are thinking. I am in cooking what Ravindra Jadeja is in international cricket. Total abject miserable abysmal failure.

The first thing i did after inserting my figure into water which was about to reach boiling point was to remove it. The second thing was to run to the washbasin and pour some water on it. The third thing was to switch off the gas. The fourth thing was to address myself in the language which truly shows i am a huge fan of Delhi Belly.

I still don’t get it. How could i have been so stupid or in Delhi Belly version, “Itna bada cutiyaapa kaise ho gaya?” I am the guy who in the 12^th class solved every question correctly before anybody else in the coaching class. This thing made me extremely popular among my coaching class teachers and extremely unpopular among my peers. Today most of the girls in my 12^th coaching class can cook Indian, Chinese…etc etc (etc etc depending what do their husbands like) and i cannot even boil water.

I am unable to fathom this incident of my life. I know i am a man with average IQ and poor cooking skills. Still this doesn’t explain the phenomena of my IQ falling to a 3 years old in front of boiling water? I just don’t understand the logic. I mean why?...Why did God gave me the ability to memorize tables till 30 but no ability to boil water?