Caught in office reading cricinfo

I am an Indian. This means I am in love with the game of cricket. Whenever India plays and I am in office, I open cricinfo and track the whole match. Today India was playing against Sri Lanka. It is one of those test matches after watching it children say I don’t want to become a bowler. I was tracking the match since morning and forget all the work when Sehwag reached 99.

Sehwag got out at 99. I had already forgotten work and reading Sehwag got out forget that I was in office and shouted Oh nooooooo………..Damn it. Most of the people working around me have got used to me talking to myself whenever India plays and ignore my every high pitch cry thinking this guy is just overreacting.

Unfortunately this time a very senior manager was talking with a senior manager that sits next to me. Being a very senior manager he immediately came to my desk and asked what happened. Before I could reply, “Nothing Sir….just a small problem. No worries” he was looking at my computer's screen.

I froze thinking the very senior manager will now ask me do you come to office to read cricinfo. I was planning to say - No sir….I just opened it and Sehwag got out….and I am really sorry…To ensure that India doesn’t lose any more wickets today, I will not open cricinfo again.

However, instead of that question the very senior manager asked me is that cricinfo. I response I nodded like a child who after being caught cheating in the exam has been asked don’t you know it’s wrong. He asked me did someone just got out and I realized the very senior manager is also a cricket fan and with all the seriousness I could muster in voice said,”Sehwag got out.” This was now the turn of the very senior manager to say, ”Oh nooooooo…..”

The senior without taking my permission read the bowl that dismissed Sehwag and said,”Did he got out on 99?” I wanted to tell the very senior manager that Sirji check the url. Its cricinfo and not fakingnews but the senior manager had just caught me reading cricket score and ignoring work so I said,”Yes Sir.”

The senior manager again looked at my screen and said,”What is the name of the bowler? I have not even heard it. He got out to such a bowler. This is bad, very bad.” I wanted to say to the manager you don’t play international cricket if you are bad bowler but then the senior manager would have proved me wrong by saying the names of the Indian bowlers playing the India v Sri Lanka test. So I said, “Yes Sir. Bad, very bad.”

The very senior manager said, “This really reduces our chances of a draw” and I said, “Yes Sir, this reduces our chances of a draw”. The very senior manager said, “I don’t understand it. What was the need to play such a shot at 99? and I replied, “Yes Sir, I also don’t also understand it. There was no need to play such a shot at 99”.

I think the very senior manager understood that he is not going to have an intelligent cricket discussion with me. All I was going to do was to say Yes Sir and then paraphrase whatever he had said. So the very senior manager smiled and left leaving me happy as a child who after being caught cheating during the exam has been told by the invigilator, “Beta, be careful. Enjoy this time and don’t do it ever again.”

To sum up

In India, everybody loves cricket. Irrespective of whether India wins or loses the match, cricinfo always does brisk business.

My dream job

I am an average Indian guy. When I was studying my dream was to get into a good institute, study hard, get placed on day one of placements, go to USA on an assignment and settle their within the next five years. Unfortunately I am an average Indian guy. I went to a decent institute, watched all the movies released during my college days, prayed to God to pass me, got rejected from couple of interviews, got selected in an interview, left the company ASAP when I realized I was doing only donkey work and now hold a job that pays enough to make my parents think that I must get married.

Steve Jobs said, “The only way to do great work is to love what you do.” Hence, my dream job is to do what I love to do and being an Indian I love cricket. Unfortunately I am now too old to play cricket and hence, my dream job is to own an IPL franchise.

According to BCCI only four types of people can own an IPL franchise. You must be either a bollywood superstar, worked in bollywood and right now wife/girlfriend of a business tycoon, son of a business tycoon or a business tycoon. Being an average Indian I don’t fall under any of the categories reserved to own an IPL team and hence, since I am not eligible for my dream job, I have decided to hold on to my current job.

It is not that I have given up hope of ever having my dream job. Steve Jobs also said, “If you haven't found the job you love yet then keep looking. Don't settle.” I am doing the same. I am waiting for the day on which a real fundoo IPL game will be available on X-box.  This way I will not only be able to own the whole IPL but also play an IPL tournament every night without being bothered by Pawar, Modi or the mess they have created.

To sum up

I don’t want my dream job. I don’t want to work in my dreams.

What wrong did he say?

If you work in an office then you know what does the dialogue, ”We have an open communication policy” means. Theoretically it means you can criticize your boss, tell him only a jackass will take such a decision and expect an A grade for being a team player during your appraisal. 

Now we all know good theories never produce the intended results and hence to get an A grade during appraisal we always need to say to our bosses that we are lucky to gain such a valuable experience by working under them.

Today I attended a staff meeting. In small companies staff meetings mean a meeting where all the employees assemble in a hall and hear the various department heads say the company is growing by leaps and bounds, then come out of the meeting and say what a waste of time.

In today’s staff meeting after we had clapped through the presentations of various managers, the COO took the stage. He started giving a presentation and suddenly in the middle of the presentation asked us what is our goal. I don’t know what he was talking about because I was bored of the presentations given by various managers and only the presence of the CEO in the room was stopping me from yawning.

A person sitting in the first row heard the COO ask what’s our goal and replied, “To finish the meeting and get back to work.”

It was not a smart reply to give to the COO in front of the whole company but this guy had just done that. I am sure after the meeting some guys would have congratulated the guy for being so straightforward and the guy would have ran to catch the COO somewhere alone to say, “Sir, I am sorry. It was just a joke and…..I am really sorry”.

The most important thing this incident taught me was a method through which we can use the open communication policy to obtain grade A in our appraisal. Here it is:

1. Don’t criticize your boss in front of him.

2. Find someone who will do it.

3. When he does it, make a face that says this guy is a complete jackass.

4. Ensure that your boss sees this guy is a jackass expression on your face.

5. After the meeting shake hands with the guy and say you loved what he said. You were thinking the same but didn’t have guts to say it.

6. Collect your grade as A during appraisal for being a dedicated sincere employee.

7. During the farewell party of the guy eat the cake, drink Coke/Pepsi/Fanta and don’t speak stupid words to the guy in front of your boss like we will miss you.

8. Find another idiot that believes everything which management says such as, “We have an open communication policy. You are welcome to give us feedback and constructive criticism.”

To sum up

Follow the following two rules for getting A grade from your boss during appraisals:

Rule 1: The boss is always right.

Rule 2: If the boss is wrong, rule number 1 is applicable. 

Thing have changed

I did my graduation from Pune, moved to Delhi, switched job and it has been eighteen months since I have been back to Pune. During my graduation I used to spend a lot of time at Deccan (Let's just say FC road and JM road because they had the coolest outlets where I could eat and hottest babes to stare). Anyway that was long time back and during the last eighteen months I have visited FC and JM road two or three times.

Today I had a day off and was bored at home. Since I had nothing to do, I decided to visit the place I love the most in Pune i.e. Alka talkies. Alka talkies is my favorite cinema hall in Pune. During my graduation days I have spend more time in it than attending college lectures. It is my favorite cinema hall because it always screens English movies and hence, so few people watch it that every show is like a private show.

I reached Alka talkies and found the next show was after one hour. This meant I had lots of time to walk around my favorite area and check what changes had occurred. The first thing I noticed that the Maharastrain restaurant in front of Alka talkies had closed. It offered one of the best Maharastrain thali at a very reasonable cost and so my plans for having a good Maharastrain lunch were destroyed.

Few steps away from the Maharastrain restaurant was an Iranian restaurant. Its food was ok but it served one of the best Pineapple juices in Pune. I had a look at the restaurant and realized it was no more an Iranian restaurant. Dejected, I decided to walk more to find out how many more in-the-budget-of-a-college-student eateries had closed.

I looked at few places and found out indeed Pune had changed a lot since I completed my graduation. Although I didn’t found any newly constructed mall, I found out that most of the big brands were now present on the roads that once offered value for money food to a college student. The only thing that had not changed was Amrutalyas.

In Pune, Amrutalyas mean tea stall and I spotted almost most of them still existed and were doing business. This was a surprise after seeing that my favorite Maharashtrain restaurant had shut shop and an Iranian restaurant had changed itself to become a just another restaurant.

However, the biggest surprise I had was when I a spotted a Ras Kendra. In Pune, Ras Kendra means a shop selling sugarcane juice. This is not a season when sugarcane is available and here, right next to Vijay Talkies a Ras Kendra was offering sugarcane juice during an off season.

I walked into the Ras Kendra, ordered a jumbo glass, took a sip and felt this is one shop which should have closed down. I don’t know how this shop is surviving because when I paid the Ras Kendra guy Rs. 10 for my jumbo glass, he signaled towards God as if he was saying thanks for the  first customer of the day.

I had spend the last 45 mins on my favorite streets finding out none of my favorite things existed anymore and decided to head towards the Alka talkies to enjoy the day as I did during my college days. I entered Alka talkies and found it was showing Knight and day. I am not a fan of Tom Cruise or Cameron Diaz but I am an Alka talkies fan and hence I decided to watch it.

The management of Alka talkies had put posters of Knight and day opposite to the ticket window. I had a look at the posters and realized the movie being screened was a dubbed version of Knight and day. Fuck. My favorite English movie theater to survive was now showing dubbed movies. Pune had definitely changed a lot in the last few years.

I reached the ticket counter and bought a balcony ticket. It was priced Rs 45. I don’t remember the earlier tickets rates but I am sure the first movie I ever saw in this theater’s balcony was Terminator 3 and after that I had decided it will be my last movie in this theater’s balcony.  It was not that I couldn’t afford a balcony ticket; it was just that as a student you really don't care how comfortable the seats are.

I took my ticket, went to the canteen, bought an overpriced Thumps up and started watching the movie. I was not at all nostalgic. It was the same old bad theatre but I was not the same guy. Things had changed. The price of the ticket was Rs 45 and the auto in which I had come had charged me more than double of it. As a student you just want to have fun but as a person with a job, you want the best want can come in your budget.

I watched the movie, came out of the hall and checked time. 4:00 pm. This meant I still had lots of time to kill. As I was going out, I saw the poster of the next movie. It said – Disney Jadogaro ka Sangram. Nicklos Cage hai jadugaro ke jadugar. With a title like this, I had to watch the movie. So I bought another balcony ticket and watched it.

To sum up

Balcony ticket = Rs 45, one Thumps Up = Rs 18, watching movie in your college days favorite fatichar theater = priceless. 

College lecture moment in office

Yesterday a colleague who sits behind me gave me a piece of paper and requested me to explain its meaning. I read the first para of the paper and returned it to her saying this is outside my domain, I have no idea what it means and the only person who can help you is VP (Production).

She told me that it was VP(Production) who had given her this paper and asked her to prepare few slides for a presentation. I told her in such a case VP(Production) is the right person to contact and she pointed me towards the chair of VP(Production) and said, “But he has left for the day.”

I told her then she must call VP(Production) and ask him to explain what in the name of God is this stuff. She said yes and few minutes later I heard her discussing the piece of paper with another colleague.

Since I was not working on a deadline and couldn’t control my urge of telling my colleague that my solution of the problem is right and she must call VP(Production) for guidance, I asked her to show me the piece of paper again. I read it again, figured out that the reason our VP(Production) is VP(Production) because he can easily decipher things that look like an extract from a textbook which according to us must be ignored while preparing for exam because there is little probability of the examiner being a cruel bitch at heart and asking such tough questions.

The three of us started debating the piece of paper and another colleague overheard us. He too was not working on a deadline and couldn’t resist his urge of proving he can do what none of us can. He read the piece of paper and told us what it meant.

There was silence when our colleague finished. The colleague had just acted like a college professor that practiced the maxim if you don’t understand anything then just read whatever that is written in the textbook and if anyone asks a question reply, “That is a good question. I will get back to you later” and move to something that you know.

Finally the colleague that was given the work of preparing presentation spoke. She said,”Sirji, even I was able to understand what you said. My problem is how I must put it in the ppt.” The colleague who has potential of becoming a college professor replied, “I told you what I was able to understand from the printout you have given me.”

We all nodded our heads and thanked him for the help. What I loved the most about my colleague's reply was the tone in which she replied. She made it absolutely clear to the colleague preaching what he didn't know, that we were not duffers who were incapable of understanding what was written on a piece of paper. Our only problem was we were not smart enough to convert an extract of an textbook into a ppt and neither was he.

I don’t know what the colleague with the soul of college professor replied. I had turned around and was pretending to check mails until he left. I think after hearing the tone of my colleagues reply he would have said something like if you need a detailed explanation then you must ask for guidance from VP(Production) . I think so because when I turned back after the colleague who had made us all remember our college lectures had gone, both of my colleagues were still discussing the same piece of paper.

To sum up

Thanks for the unsolicited advice. We appreciate your help and next time if you want to feel superior kindly talk with someone else.

College Days by Gaurav