The haircut

I am an introvert. It doesn’t mean I hate people but only that I am not really good at conversations. I don’t talk much when I am with my friends and avoid talking with strangers assuming they all are Amway agents. I have always wished my barber to be an introvert like me and to me it seems it’s not love but haircutting where opposites attract. 

Today being a Sunday I decided to read few filmi magazines and hence visited a barber. When my turn came the barber asked me to sit on a chair and I told him I want a haircut and a shave. This should have been the end of discussion but unfortunately it seems ability to speak non-stop is an essential requirement for working in a Men Saloon. 

The barber half-way through the haircut asked me where you live sir. I wanted to say just do your job but the guy was giving me a haircut. Such a curt reply may lead the barber to shape my hair like David Beckham and I think I don’t have clothes to go with such a stylish hairdo. Unable to afford a new wardrobe I told the barber where I live and the barber told me he lives just 2 kms away from my home. In reply I said, “No wonder it’s such a nice locality”. 

The next question barber asked was what do you do Sir. I wanted to say currently I am working as a Gigolo. However, I was unsure if the barber understood this particular English word and I have no idea what a Gigolo is called in Hindi. So I told the barber about my work and the barber told me if the payment is good then it’s not a bad thing to do. 

The barber asked me few more questions and I dexterously replied all thereby ensuring I got a haircut appropriate for a guy who works in an office and not a rockstar. I left the barbershop hoping google will be able to answer one question which I have been asking myself ever since I started chatting with the barber and the question was how to cut one's own hair. 

How corrupt are we?

Watch any news channel on TV and they are talking about corruption. Read any newspaper and it’s full of graft charges. Log into twitter and you find people who believe every party is corrupt and full of criminals except the one which they support. 

As a common Indian I am angry and more than angry I am baffled. How did I vote for such cronies who treat politics as a business? It’s not that India is a unique country facing corruption on such a rampant scale. If you think our Indian politicians are bad then just look at Pakistan. 

It’s not that corruption became visible just in the last few months or years. I am sure when my father was young the politicians were corrupt and my father indulged in mini-corruption by bribing the ticket checker in railways to get an unoccupied berth, I too have done the same few times and looking at the way corruption has become part of the government machinery I think my children will do the same (unless they joins politics, get elected to public offices and become beneficiary of some railway quota so that instead of mini they can do real corruption. Unfortunately, this is highly doubtful because I plan to educate my kids and try my best to keep them away from criminal elements.)

Every third or fourth day Arvind Kejriwal comes on tv and says this politician is corrupt. Congress says Kejriwal is BJP’s agent; BJP says Kejriwal is Congress’s agent; and Digvijay Singh (using the time tested foreign hand theory) says Kejriwal has got a contract from foreign agencies to clean Indian politics. I don’t trust anyone of them because as a common Indian one lesson I have learned after so many years of disappointment from our leaders is that never to trust them. The foreign hand interested in damaging India is usually imaginary and most of our problems remain unsolved because our politicians waste time and resources on foreign trips.

Abraham Lincoln said, “Democracy is the government of the people, by the people, for the people”. It is us and not our enemies sitting in Pakistan who elected these politicians to the position of power. The solution to our problem is not television fights but better governance which we can have by punishing the corrupt and ensuring safeguards that public money gets spend on public and not private good. I know this is easier said than done. When my father was young he had the same thoughts and today he understands the system and finds bribery though a cancer of society ensures that the work gets done. Today as a young Indian I am writing a blog telling you corruption is bad but the next time a traffic cop stops me for violating a traffic rule I am gonna say, “Sir, I accept my mistake and I am extremely sorry. Isn’t there anyway through which we can adjust this? Thank you”.

To sum up

Corruption is the cancer of our society which is spreading because just like smokers we are doing things which are heavily injurious to our health. 

Why does electricity go off when it rains?

In school i was taught India has unity in diversity. When i grew up i found what was taught to me in school is correct. However, unfortunately, there is a difference between theory and practice; as i grew up i found India is one but not because of the reasons mentioned by my school teachers.

I don’t remember much of what was taught to me in school and it really doesn’t matter anymore because i have cleared my school exams and nobody is ever gonna bother me again with theoretical questions (except in a job interview where the interviewer has no clue of what i do). The truth is India has unity in diversity because whichever part of India you will visit you will find corrupt traffic cops, few anti-bachelor neighbors and an immediate power-cut whenever it will rain in your city.

Last night, just like every other average Indian guy, i was at  home, watching pirated downloaded movie on my laptop and waiting for my dabba. The dabbawalla came, knocked on my door, yelled ‘Sir, please eat your dabba. It’s raining’ and left. I yelled back, “Okay” and wondered, what is the relationship between rain and eating your dabba at 9 pm? Since i couldn’t figure it out i decided to take help from a higher authority and decided to google it. However, before i could google it  the internet connection stopped working.  Along with internet the tubelight and fan in my room also stopped working. The darkness in my room brought to  light the reason why my dabbawalla had asked me to immediately eat my dabba, but unfortunately it was too late. Also, since it rained all night in Pune electricity supply was not restored the entire night.  Somebody has rightly said “college education is no substitute for  street-smartness. “

In the morning i woke up to a rotating fan.  The power supply  was back and this  was a huge relief to me because now i could use google. I googled for relationship between rain and power cut. This google search led to the discovery of the second question of my life which even google couldn’t answer. (The first question being ‘What women what?’)  

Google’s failure meant i had to use my brain to figure out the relationship between rain and immediate power cuts. Although i am not as intelligent or resourceful as google i gave a serious thought to what co-relationship can exist between Variable A (Rain) and Variable B (Blackout). I think the reason our state electricity boards cut power when it rains is because they consider rain as a sign from God to enforce a blackout.

I know this might not be a perfect answer because it is from me and not from google but i still hope that you will agree with me. If you don’t then please kindly enlighten me with a better reason by typing in the comment box.

The two Abhisheks

I learnt about Dissociative personality disorder from movies. It is a situation where a guy has two personalities. Hyde and Jekyll type. One guy is like your colleague next cubicle and another is a killer. In the end the bad guy takes over, there is some maar-dhad and we all know what happens next. We all have been there. We all have walked into a cinema hall with a Pepsi and popcorn and came out with a splitting headache.

The two parts of my personality are visible at work and home. At work I am the good guy. I do my work, I give pravachan to people that this work sucks but you need to do it because it pays money with which after work you can buy cigarettes, beer and pizza. I also keep myself pretty nicely organized. I have maintained my MS Outlook in such a way that I once opened it front of one of my colleagues to show her an email and she said , “Abhishek, you are a genius. I have never seen such a well organized Outlook in the whole office.” Sometimes I feel so disappointed that my company doesn’t have a best organized inbox award.

At home the other Abhishek i.e. the awesome one takes over. There are clothes that are unclean and I intentionally keep them on floor so that I won’t wear to them to office by mistake. There are wrappers of biscuits and Maggie on floor which must be in dustbin but are not there because I stay miles away from my parents and hence not afraid of a surprise cleanliness inspection by my mom. The best part of Abhishek at home is the way he handles email.

At office when I receive an email I always mark it according to its importance, give a prompt reply and move it to the relevant folder. At home when I receive an email, I read it and then forget about it. I am always sure that the sender would have asked the same info from few more friends and some sucker would definitely reply. My philosophy about emails at work is don’t allow anyone to complain and at home is don’t reply until they complain.

To sum up

The biggest difference between office and home is that in office you do what you are supposed to do and at home you do what you want to do.

Comics

I grew up in a town. A place where the medium of instruction in English medium schools is Hindi. During my childhood there was no Cartoon Network in India. The only TV channel we had during those days was Doordarshan and the only cartoon show I got to watch was the one after the morning mythological TV serial. Today when I see children watching several cartoon channels in high definition TV, I feel jealous but still somehow I feel all these super cool cartoons are no match to the time I had reading Hindi comics.

When I was a child, Hindi comics were a very big industry. Today as far as I know only Diamond comics and Raj Comics are the two active Hindi comics publisher. I was fortunate enough to read comics by Manoj and Tulsi publications. Unlike today’s children who get to watch only funny cartoons, I got to read a whole genre of comics ranging from comedy to action to horror (Raj Comics once upon a time published few comics under the series Thrill-Action-Horror or sometime like that.)

Today when I walk into a bookstore I find all the big comics. From Calvin, Asterix, Tintin to Superman, Spiderman etc etc and I buy them. Unfortunately, all the big bookstores located in the big malls have no space for my beloved Hindi comics. The only reliable space where I find them is the railway station and there also I have been unable to get the latest set of Raj Comics (If also like me you grew up reading Hindi Comics then you know the meaning of set and the eagerness with which we waited for it every month of summer holidays.)

The library I have joined in Pune doesn’t store Hindi comics. It has got dedicated shelf space for English comics that must cost more than Rs 200 per copy but you won’t find a single Hindi comics that costs less Rs 50. I once asked my librarywala, ”Uncle why don’t you keep Hindi comics” and he replied ,”Bcoz there is no demand for them”. I wanted to tell him that is not true because I spend the summers of my childhood reading if not tons than kilos of Hindi comics but then as far as I know none of the children in my family know much about Nagraj, Dhruv, Parmanu or Doga. Their day starts with school, after that tuition and ends with doing homework. Forget reading comics it is wonder that they even get time to watch Cartoon Network. Unfortunately they know nothing about the great Indian comic book superheroes and since I do, I will end this blog by writing few lines in the memory of those I remember.

Chacha Chowdry: It will be wrong to call that the man more intelligent than supercomputer is the only hero of this series. It's not only him but his sidekicks Sabu, his wife and their dog Rocket are equal fun to read. The best comics of this series are those where Raka, the villain who couldn’t die appeared. Believe me even if you are not a comic enthusiast still buy those comics that have Raka. You will not regret that the money that you earned by slogging into an AC office got wasted.

Billo: His hairs were long enough to always cover his eyes. As a child I thought he had the coolest hairstyle and I still believe so.

Raman: I don’t think anyone remembers him. He was a middle-class middle-age guy with a family. His problems were the problems of our daily life. If there has ever been any character that could portrait the true life of an Indian then it was him. Another comics I remember like this was Shrimatij in which a housewife was the central character.  

Tosi: An action hero. He was actually an Ichadhair Nag. As far as content goes he was most genuine action hero I have ever read. This could be because it was written by Ved Prakash Sharma, Hindi’s bestselling author of thriller novels.

Nagraj: Hssss…..the Snakeman. He started off as a globetrotting warrior against terror but nowadays resides in Rajnagar and has a dual identity like Marvel comics characters. The transition from the traveler to one city man had destroyed the charm of Nagraj.

Super Commando Dhruv: My personal favorite. Dhruv’s initial comics were good enough to make hardcore sci-fi fans appreciate it. Personally I believe the stories of his first few comics such as Pratishodh ki jawla, Roman Hatara, Mahamanav are good enough to beat the western comics. Dhruv doesn’t have any superpower except being able to talk with animals but beats villains who are vicious, intelligent and loaded with superpowers with his common sense and athletic ability. Unfortunately all his new comics I have read during the last few years lack common sense and are complete crap.   

Parmanu: Mr. Superhero. Always fun to read.

Doga: If you want to read an action comics then read his. He is only the genuine action hero Indian comics have right now.

Angara: He was created by a scientist who gave him the strengths of several animals like skin that bullets cannot penetrate. He commanded a loyal army of wild animals. The antagonist of this action hero was a dwarf robot who got his energy from Sun.

Krukbond: James Bond ka chela. He and his sidekick Motu not only solved mystery but also made you laugh. He was the best comic action hero I have ever read.

Halwadar Bahadur: His comics were written in the language I spoke with my friends. Funny enough to make you sometimes stop reading the comics so that you catch a break from laughing.

Bakelal: Hehehehe…………….. even the mention of his name makes me laugh. Shivji has cursed him that all his schemes to do bad of someone will turn out to be good for that person. He works as a minister of Raja Vikram Singh and wants to become the King but due to the curse his every scheme to kill the King solves the problems faced by the King. His comics end with him explaining the King that what he did was pre-planned by him to help the King and the King with big moustache kissing him which he hates.

Fighter Tods: Very funny but I have always felt they are rip-off of Teenage Ninja Turtles

Gamraj: Son of Yumraj, the God of death. Munna Bhai of Indian comics. Reading the adventures of Gamraj, his bull Yamunda and his sidekick Shankalu who always made wrong predictions always made me laugh.

My dream job

I am an average Indian guy. When I was studying my dream was to get into a good institute, study hard, get placed on day one of placements, go to USA on an assignment and settle their within the next five years. Unfortunately I am an average Indian guy. I went to a decent institute, watched all the movies released during my college days, prayed to God to pass me, got rejected from couple of interviews, got selected in an interview, left the company ASAP when I realized I was doing only donkey work and now hold a job that pays enough to make my parents think that I must get married.

Steve Jobs said, “The only way to do great work is to love what you do.” Hence, my dream job is to do what I love to do and being an Indian I love cricket. Unfortunately I am now too old to play cricket and hence, my dream job is to own an IPL franchise.

According to BCCI only four types of people can own an IPL franchise. You must be either a bollywood superstar, worked in bollywood and right now wife/girlfriend of a business tycoon, son of a business tycoon or a business tycoon. Being an average Indian I don’t fall under any of the categories reserved to own an IPL team and hence, since I am not eligible for my dream job, I have decided to hold on to my current job.

It is not that I have given up hope of ever having my dream job. Steve Jobs also said, “If you haven't found the job you love yet then keep looking. Don't settle.” I am doing the same. I am waiting for the day on which a real fundoo IPL game will be available on X-box.  This way I will not only be able to own the whole IPL but also play an IPL tournament every night without being bothered by Pawar, Modi or the mess they have created.

To sum up

I don’t want my dream job. I don’t want to work in my dreams.

Thing have changed

I did my graduation from Pune, moved to Delhi, switched job and it has been eighteen months since I have been back to Pune. During my graduation I used to spend a lot of time at Deccan (Let's just say FC road and JM road because they had the coolest outlets where I could eat and hottest babes to stare). Anyway that was long time back and during the last eighteen months I have visited FC and JM road two or three times.

Today I had a day off and was bored at home. Since I had nothing to do, I decided to visit the place I love the most in Pune i.e. Alka talkies. Alka talkies is my favorite cinema hall in Pune. During my graduation days I have spend more time in it than attending college lectures. It is my favorite cinema hall because it always screens English movies and hence, so few people watch it that every show is like a private show.

I reached Alka talkies and found the next show was after one hour. This meant I had lots of time to walk around my favorite area and check what changes had occurred. The first thing I noticed that the Maharastrain restaurant in front of Alka talkies had closed. It offered one of the best Maharastrain thali at a very reasonable cost and so my plans for having a good Maharastrain lunch were destroyed.

Few steps away from the Maharastrain restaurant was an Iranian restaurant. Its food was ok but it served one of the best Pineapple juices in Pune. I had a look at the restaurant and realized it was no more an Iranian restaurant. Dejected, I decided to walk more to find out how many more in-the-budget-of-a-college-student eateries had closed.

I looked at few places and found out indeed Pune had changed a lot since I completed my graduation. Although I didn’t found any newly constructed mall, I found out that most of the big brands were now present on the roads that once offered value for money food to a college student. The only thing that had not changed was Amrutalyas.

In Pune, Amrutalyas mean tea stall and I spotted almost most of them still existed and were doing business. This was a surprise after seeing that my favorite Maharashtrain restaurant had shut shop and an Iranian restaurant had changed itself to become a just another restaurant.

However, the biggest surprise I had was when I a spotted a Ras Kendra. In Pune, Ras Kendra means a shop selling sugarcane juice. This is not a season when sugarcane is available and here, right next to Vijay Talkies a Ras Kendra was offering sugarcane juice during an off season.

I walked into the Ras Kendra, ordered a jumbo glass, took a sip and felt this is one shop which should have closed down. I don’t know how this shop is surviving because when I paid the Ras Kendra guy Rs. 10 for my jumbo glass, he signaled towards God as if he was saying thanks for the  first customer of the day.

I had spend the last 45 mins on my favorite streets finding out none of my favorite things existed anymore and decided to head towards the Alka talkies to enjoy the day as I did during my college days. I entered Alka talkies and found it was showing Knight and day. I am not a fan of Tom Cruise or Cameron Diaz but I am an Alka talkies fan and hence I decided to watch it.

The management of Alka talkies had put posters of Knight and day opposite to the ticket window. I had a look at the posters and realized the movie being screened was a dubbed version of Knight and day. Fuck. My favorite English movie theater to survive was now showing dubbed movies. Pune had definitely changed a lot in the last few years.

I reached the ticket counter and bought a balcony ticket. It was priced Rs 45. I don’t remember the earlier tickets rates but I am sure the first movie I ever saw in this theater’s balcony was Terminator 3 and after that I had decided it will be my last movie in this theater’s balcony.  It was not that I couldn’t afford a balcony ticket; it was just that as a student you really don't care how comfortable the seats are.

I took my ticket, went to the canteen, bought an overpriced Thumps up and started watching the movie. I was not at all nostalgic. It was the same old bad theatre but I was not the same guy. Things had changed. The price of the ticket was Rs 45 and the auto in which I had come had charged me more than double of it. As a student you just want to have fun but as a person with a job, you want the best want can come in your budget.

I watched the movie, came out of the hall and checked time. 4:00 pm. This meant I still had lots of time to kill. As I was going out, I saw the poster of the next movie. It said – Disney Jadogaro ka Sangram. Nicklos Cage hai jadugaro ke jadugar. With a title like this, I had to watch the movie. So I bought another balcony ticket and watched it.

To sum up

Balcony ticket = Rs 45, one Thumps Up = Rs 18, watching movie in your college days favorite fatichar theater = priceless. 

Dabbawallas are shrewd businessmen

Being a bachelor, single and away from home life gives me several privileges. There is no one who ask me to clean my room or wash my clothes. No one says that you are a nutcase just because I play loud music while drinking beer and think if my mom ever came to know about this she will have a heart attack and hence I must always deny to that I drink, smoke or wear the same jeans to work for the whole week or two.

The only problem I face because I live alone is dinner. I have stayed in a hostel during my graduation and my life improved a lot after I got a job, but sometimes I feel that I am still eating food from my hostel’s mess. The food my dabbawalla supplies sometimes makes me wonder whether my dabbawalla has got a hidden agenda of making me go on a diet.

My dabbawalla doesn’t supply bad food always. He specializes in supplying insipid food and makes an exception when his payday approaches. I have analyzed his business tactics without Microsoft excel and concluded that he is a shrewd businessman and as is the case of every shrewd businessman his customers hate him.

It is not that I have not tried different dabbas. Lunch is the tool through which I have experimented with a few dabbas and found that in Pune every dabbawalla is a shrewd businessman. I think the dabbawallas are like American MNC’s. They all supply goods that have been outsourced from the same factory. Unfortunately, unlike American MNC’s ,,they don’t have a corporate culture. Hence, they don’t have a call centre outsourced from Gurgaon or Bangalore that I can call to vent my anger. Hence, I am writing this blog.

I once cancelled my dinner dabba and resolved that every night I will eat at a restaurant. This plan worked successfully until a few deadlines in the office started approaching. I don’t have the energy to go to a restaurant or order food when after I leave office after 9 pm and so after spending a few nights eating Maggie and biscuits, I was back to dinner dabba.

The only good thing that came out from my failed resolution was that I became aware of the reason due to which dabbawallas supply food that ensures you will never have to visit VLCC for weight loss.  The reason dabbawalla don’t care for their customers is because they know the customers have no better options.

To sum up

Dabbawallas are like cellular service providers. You switch hoping better service and after a few days realize that everyone in this business promises great service but rarely delivers.   

Newspapers will survive

During my graduation I formed a habit of reading the Times of India. I used to come back from college and read all the cartoons and solve Sudoku before dinner. After dinner I used to read the part of TOI that contained news and think I was improving my knowledge of current affairs. Although till date I have never got a chance to demonstrate my knowledge of current affairs, I still read the Times of India. The only thing that has changed is that I now read TOI on my office computer.

I have stopped reading the newspaper ever since I got a job. I still subscribe to TOI only to find it at my door every morning and depositing it in the heap of raddi after I come back from office because there is no need for me to read newspaper anymore. When I come home, I have already read news from google news, laughed at cartoon thanks to my subscription to cartoon websites that deliver cartoons in my inbox and don’t have any interest or energy to solve Sudoku.

When I was studying TOI was my primary source of news and today it is google news. Many people say and few believe that the newspaper industry is dying. The newspaper companies are either setting websites that offer plethora of useless content (you don’t believe me, please visit TOI’s homepage) or becoming bankrupt.

The biggest difference between yesterday and today is the way I get news. Yesterday I used to read newspaper and wait for one whole day to get the update. Today I read google news and get updates as events take place. Today I not only read stories from TOI but also New York Times and don’t ever pay a single buck for it.

I think the web has made the world smaller and more competitive. The web is ensuring that only the fittest survive when people have access to the best news sources. It is a bad news for newspapers because now to know what is happening on the oil spill I am no more dependent on TOI or Dainik Bhaskar.

However, although I don’t read TOI’s print edition anymore I still subscribe to it. Every month the newspaperwala collects Rs 120 from me and after paying the subscription I say what’s the point in buying newspaper when you are not reading it. I guess old habits die hard even if they are useless.

To sum up

Save paper, read news online. Good slogan but will not work because I still cannot read news using my laptop while sitting on the toilet seat.

Watching Magadheera

I am not a movie buff. I like to watch only action and horror movies and that’s all what I watch. However, being an Indian whenever I want to watch a good movie I have to watch a Hollywood one because forget watching Bollywood movies in theaters, they are not even worth the bandwidth spend on downloading. Few months back I went to the guy living next to my room and asked him if he had any English movies. I don’t remember what he said because of my poor memory but I remember he gave me few mallu movies saying you won’t be disappointed.

I am sure if you are a North Indian you may think South Indian movies are all about Rajnikant or Chiranjeevi or heroines that are working in South India because Mallika Shewarat and Rakhi Sawant still don’t reject movies because of date problems. If you are a South Indian you may be saying that the North Indian perception of South Indian movies shows eating only paneer and chicken can make a person fat and a bastard and I support you.

I told you before I like to watch action movies. Hence, believe me Bollywood movies with their awesome starcast and bad stories can ruin your Sunday. However, South Indian movies with their at par with Hollywood action techniques are not only fun but also teach us that if you want to enjoy your life then you must always subscribe to the unlimited downloading plan.

Few days back one of my friends in office told me to download Aayirathil Oruvan. I asked him why he is telling me to download a movie whose name I can’t even spell and he told me because it is one of the best movies of this year. Being a friend I know his taste and that when he gives 3 stars to an action movie it is a five stars movie for me. I downloaded Aayirathil Oruvan and found that the torrent didn’t have a subtitles file. I googled for its subtitles but couldn’t find it.

Disappointed I said to myself this movie is going to the recycle bin. However, before deleting it I decided to have a quick look at the action scenes and this movie is still sitting on my hard drive.  

Few days back the same friend told me to download Magadheera. After watching Aayirathil Oruvan I have stopped questioning my friend why must I download a movie. I downloaded the movie and found it is a good movie. There are not many action scenes in it but whatever it has are very good. There is a good action sequence at the beginning but then you have to fast forward the movie for a long time to reach at the next action scene.

I reported the same to my friend and he told me so what, the heroine is cute, isn’t she. I wanted to tell my friend I had only watched the actions scenes in the movie Magadheera and didn’t take a single look at the heroine but I didn’t say so because I know my friend and his next question would have been, “Seriously dude, are you gay or something?”

To sum up

Dear Bollywood, spend half of the money you do on marketing movies on the movie’s story and there would be no guy who doesn’t understand Tamil or Malayalam watching a South Indian movie.

What the Indian cricket team needs to do now.

An Indian who says that he likes cricket is a lair. No Indian likes cricket. We love cricket. Cricket is the passion of every Indian and we don’t love our cricketers. We worship them. Hence, today when I read on cricinfo that India lost to Zimbabwe I said WTF and that was not because we lost. As an Indian cricket fan I know my team always bounces back but the way we lost I had to say I feel being let down.

Tonight I am not sad because we lost. Tonight I am sad because the way we lost. We lost because our team played as if it had no desire to win. We were playing against a team that doesn’t even have money to buy good cricket kits for its players and we lost. I know we all have bad days and then we have good days in office but failure and lack of effort are two absolutely different things. You can justify failure to me by saying all days are not same but refusal to give 100% effort in the field is completely unacceptable.

Losing to Zimbabwe doesn’t mean that I will not support India anymore. It just means the next time I see an ad featuring Indian cricketer on TV I am going to say the reason Australia is so successful is because its players do not get any ads. The biggest difference between Australia and us is not that the Australian diet consists of a secret ingredient that produces legends. The difference between Australia and us is of attitude. When Australia is losing the players are not giving their 100%. They are giving 110%. They know that their defeat in this match is inevitable but they also believe that what is inevitable can be delayed.

Our guys gave a target of 195 runs to be chased in a 50 overs match. Nowadays even in a T20 this total won’t guarantee us a win. The match was over even before Zimbabwe batted. However what was not over was the fight for the bonus point. As far as I see it the reason we lost so poorly was because none of the our bowlers bowled with the intent of picking five wickets. We said to Zimbabwe that we hope you guys make mistakes so that we can put up a fight. Sorry guys but in international cricket a man who is proud to wear his nation’s cap is not the one who capitalizes on the mistakes of opposition but he is someone who gives 110% when he has no hope of winning.

To sum up

What Indian team needs to do is to hire me. I hold a Phd in not doing my job and blaming someone else for my failure.

Chetan Bhagat rules

If you are reading this blog then I am sure you are a part of modern India. If you are a part of modern India then I am sure you have read a Chetan Bhagat novel. In fact even if are not a part modern India, you may be at a place where six hour power cut is a norm but if you are young I think you might have read a Chetan Bhagat novel.

If you are on twitter and follow more than 50 people then I am sure you would have read a Chetan Bhagat joke. Not a joke by Chetan Bhagat but a joke cracked on Chetan Bhagat saying that now Chetan Bhagat will demand credit for it or he will block it.

When Chetan Bhagat was listed among 100 most influential artists by Time, the Indian twittverse decided not to congratulate him on his achievement but went into a shock. Yes they were shocked because they couldn’t believe how come Time can even consider a person who is the owner of most hated handle in the Indian twittverse, the writer of crappy books which by the way are all bestsellers, the guy who single handedly ensured books by Indian writers get stacked next to western writers at Crossword as an artist.

The problem with Chetan Bhagat is that he does not write on Indian poverty. He doesn’t write about the sorry state of Indian villages where people starve, child marriages take place and Khap panchayat rules. He is the writer of modern India. The land where people go to office, earn a decent amount of money and dream big just like me and you do.

I think that if you have read up to here you are saying this guy is Chetan Bhagat bhakt. Ok that’s true. I have read all the novels written by Chetan Bhagat and I think all of them are good. I love Chetan Bhagat because he doesn’t write great books but because he writes books that are funny and I can enjoy them without referring to the dictionary.

To sum up

Dear Chetan Bhagat, you rule. Not the Indian twittverse but the place wherever in India books are sold.

Daru party with colleagues

My mom always said that those who drink alcohol go to hell. I think she is right. Those who drink alcohol go to hell after experiencing heaven on earth. Tonight I drank whiskey with my colleagues. I know its Tuesday, tomorrow I have to work and a hangover is the last thing I need while working on a deadline. But the point is that there is no point in working at place where you have no friends. 

One of my colleagues yesterday told me that few on my colleagues are planning to have a party tomorrow. I told that colleague that it is a great idea and I won’t be able to join them because I prefer to drink only on weekends. He said ok and I said to myself I have made the right decision. 

Today while having lunch I got to know everyone with whom I have lunch is joining the TTMM (Tu tera mein mera) daru party tonight. I thought I had made the wrong decision yesterday and told my colleagues that I will be joining them. They asked me why the sudden change in decision and I told them I love alcohol more anything else in the world even my work. 

We reached at the desired destination at 7 pm approx. A colleague who had few times visited the bar told us to buy cigarettes in advance because the bar doesn’t serve cigarettes inside. We bought a pack of Goldflake and entered into the bar as if we were regular enough to know every waiters name.

We ordered the drinks and the conversation started flowing. There was nothing much. What new stupidity one is facing at work and trying to find out who finds which female colleague attractive. Nobody told that his boss is a real asshole and which is the girl in office that he likes. 

We drank a lot and then ordered dinner. I thought for a while and said one more 30 ml pls. My colleagues thought I am too drunk to realize my limit and said nothing because a man trying to argue with a drunk man that he must not drink any more usually gets punched in the face. 

As I sipped my drink I found my colleagues eating food without any conversation. Thought I must say something but realized anything I will now say will be used tomorrow as proof that I was full took drunk last night. So I decided to finish my drink and have dinner as quickly as possible so that my colleagues won’t have to wait for me after finishing their dinner. 

To sum up

Daru parties with colleagues is not a drinking completion. They are a competition of who can hold a drink and still speak everything politically correct.

Saturday night

I love Saturday nights because it means I can drink as much as I want without being concerned how I will attend office tomorrow. On the last Saturday I went to a wine shop to buy whisky and brought wine and whisky.

I came home and started drinking wine. I drank my first glass of wine and realized that there is no point in drinking cheap wine unless one has company. So I called an ex-colleague and he told me that he is cleaning his room but will join me in half hour. 

The ex-colleague came one hour later and till then I had finished couple of glasses of wine. We drank at my terrace, finished the bottle and decided it was time to eat. We checked the time and it was about 10:30. So we went to the neared bar cum restaurant. 

We reached the restaurant and my ex-colleague told me not to order any hard drinks because he had to drive back home. I ordered a beer and told my ex-colleague that he must have one glass of beer with me. 

My ex-colleague asked me whether I had heard what he had just said and I replied yes and I know your capacity. Moreover we can’t eat fish without beer. The order of fish made my colleague understand the logic behind ordering beer and he accepted to share beer with me.

We ate fish and drank beer. Here is a tip if you like to drink. Beer after you have had red wine tastes awful. Don’t even try it. While we were having beer the waiter told us to give order for dinner because the restaurant was closing. Me and my ex-colleague studied the menu and were unable to decide what to have for dinner. We finally decided that tonight in dinner we will have anda bhurji at the railway station.

We reached the railway station and ordered anda bhurji at a thela. We were half way through our first bhurji when the thelawala told us to quickly finish our bhurji because he is leaving. We asked him what’s the reason and he pointed towards a police van. Too late he said. We gave him the money and decided to have our dinner at Cumsome restaurant at Pune station.

We reached Cumsome restaurant and found it was closed. I told my ex-colleague that we are fucked and he nodded. I asked him now where will we have dinner and he replied – Saale Bewade, you screwed us both. Now you provide the solution.

I looked at my ex-colleague and felt if I didn’t provided him with dinner, next time he will never come to my house to drink cheap wine. I thought where we can find food at midnight in Pune and told him we are at railway station and so food will be available inside the station. He said good idea and decided to talk into the station.

It was my turn to tell him Saale Bewade. I told him Saale Bewade and informed him you cannot walk into a railway station without a platform ticket. We reached where tickets are sold and found each counter had atleast one kilometer long queue. I told my friend WTF and he told me – Salle, Daru pila kar WTF kar kiya tune.

I wanted to tell him what he just said didn’t make any sense but the tone in which he had said told me that this is not the right moment to mindfuck him. I told him there is a counter near the entrance of platform no. 1 where only tickets for train to nearby station such as Lonawala are sold. We must try it.

We reached there and found half kilometer long line. However, this was the shortest queue we had seen on Pune station, so I decided to join it. My ex-colleague told me that since we need only platform tickets he will approach directly to the ticket counter. I told him good idea. Do it. 

He came back few minutes later and told me people were shouting at him as soon as he reached near the ticket counter. I told him just like movies and he nodded. I told him he had a good idea but unfortunately the people in the queue were too dumb to understand it. Now what he needs to do is to improvise the idea. All he needs to do is to find someone of our age in the queue and tell him that he doesn’t want a proper ticket. Just two platform tickets. Please help. 

My ex-colleague told me that I want him to tell someone in the queue that – Buddy, help me. I don’t want a proper ticket. Just two platform tickets. Can you do it for me? I said exactly and he went back to the starting of the queue.

I didn’t saw my ex-colleague for the next fifteen minutes and the queue kept moving forward at snail pace. I thought my ex-colleague was pissed off with me, had dumped me and left. Suddenly I saw him talking with a guy and then I smiled because I saw my ex-colleague receiving two tickets from the guy. I walked out of the queue and heard a person say – Bhaiya can u buy…… I cut him off by saying -  Quick, take my place before anyone notices.

We went into the Railway station and found platform number one offered us food that killed our appetite. Since we were no more hungry so we went to platform number two and found a stall selling juices. I asked my ex-colleague did he wanted to eat something from the nearby café coffee day stand and he said let’s have a juice first.

We had a juice each and I asked my ex-colleague was he still hungry. He replied – Dude I had half bottle of wine, one glass of beer, one fish, half anda bhurji and a pineapple juice. Are you still hungry?

I told him I wasn’t. I told him I guess it’s time to go home and sleep and he said yes. We started walking and I told him to stop. He asked now what and I pointed towards the bookstall that was open and told him – Yaar, I got to buy comics.

I reached the bookstall and asked a guy who was busy reading newspaper to show me Bakelal’s comics. He said he doesn’t have any Bakelal comics. I asked him do you have Doga, he said no. I asked any comics of Super Commando Dhruv and he said all I have is Nagraj’s comics. I have read Nagraj and I know reading them is as good as watching Shaktiman. Nagraj is the Mithun of Indian comics. He sucks. But when you are drunk, you want to see a C grade movie where the hero beats 20 guys in five minutes flat with the type action that will make you roll on the floor with laughter.

I picked two random comics and told the bookstall guy to show me Indian novels. He showed me Chetan Bhagat novels and I told him I have read them all. He showed me Trust me by Rajshree and I decided to buy it. If you are a girl then you must read this novel. If you are a guy then you just saved your 95 bucks. It is a great chick lit novel. Girls if you find it, do buy it and guys if you buy it then either you are stupid or drunk.

My ex-colleague told me now since we are through with drinking, eating and shopping, we must go home. I told him that I need to buy one more novel. My ex-colleague told me that you have just brought a novel and I told him I mean a Hindi novel. He told me you read Hindi novels and I told him I love to read Hindi novels.

I asked the bookstall guy to show me Hindi novels and he asked me – Sir, you want romantic or thriller type novels. I told him I don’t want to see any romantic novels and asked him to give me the bestselling thriller. He picked a novel and told me – Sir, Keshav Pandit. I told him – No Keshav Pandit for me. I have read it and I know its baakwass. The bookstall guy told me – Sir, you are wrong. Keshav Pandit is always bestseller. This series has got more than 100 novels. I replied - Wow. 100 novels. I have read one of them and I don’t want to read any of the other 99 novels. The bookstall guy showed me another novel and I immediately brought it. I would have brought it even when I was not drunk because the title of the novel left little doubt that I am going to enjoy it as much as a Mithun movie.  The title of the novel was – Maai Ka Lal.

My ex-colleague dropped me home and I started reading Maai ka Lal. I guess I would have read 50 pages when I fell asleep.

To sum up

Alcohol makes you stupider enough to do things that you would never do when you are sober.

Attending birthday party of a colleague’s son

Few days back a colleague gave me invitation of her son’s first birthday party. I am one of those people who never say no to a party invitation given by colleagues. I religiously give my contribution towards the gift that will be given to the colleague at the party and do not attend the party because I mystically start feeling sick just half hour before the party.

The person who invited me to her son’s birthday party is my quasi mentor. She is the colleague with whom I did my first project in my current organization. She taught me more than my mentor who was always busy carrying out important tasks for management. It is because of her that during my appraisal the VP (Production) said that you are the best when it comes to doing few tasks and gave me 5 stars for dedication to deadlines. When I heard it, I wanted to return the thanks for dedication towards deadlines because few colleagues have referred to me on my face the Bastard Deadline Guru.

I went to the party in a car with a male and 2 female colleagues, one of whom is a senior manager. We reached the venue and the male colleagues informed us that he will be leaving early because he has got some personal work tonight. I said that’s fine because I can always take an auto back home.

The colleague who was celebrating her son’s birthday introduced us to her husband. She introduced me as the chap whose blogs her husband has read. Her husband told you are very funny. I have also read your tweets, very funny man. It is always a pleasure to know that someone has read your blogs when you are sure that nobody reads your blog. 

However, the problem is that I am Cubicle Blues, I was with a senior manager and was saying my head – Fuck, I hope the senior manager doesn’t say forward me link of your twitter page because then I won’t be even given a chance to mail my resignation letter.

We took seats and the birthday cake was cut. We got our pieces of cake and I started gobbling my piece of cake and found three female colleagues and a guy standing in front of me. I wished good evening to the colleagues and a female colleague introduced the guy as her husband. I wished him good evening and then starred eating my unfinished piece of cake.

As I was eating cake I realized the male colleague had left. He didn't told me that he was leaving but I guess he would told the senior manager that Madam I have to go early today due to personal reasons and the senior manager would given him the required permission. I looked around and found idli sambhar chutni  was being served. Bingo. Dinner time.

As I was eating my 6^th idli I heard the senior manager say – Abhishek, what are you doing alone. Join us. Joining 5 female colleagues and one husband, excuse me but I would prefer to eat my dinner alone especially when I have the intuition that the talk is going to be on the topics which my to be wife would find interesting.

Unfortunately, it was the senior manager who had asked me to change my priorities from idli to conversation, and office or out of office, I don’t want to give any hint that I am not a team player. So I pulled a chair and joined them. The group was talking about something and I know they were talking about something because I could hear chatter and was still concentrating on eating enough idilis so that I won’t have to eat my dabba that night.

I felt I heard a colleagues say my name. I found a colleague was addressing me. I looked as her and said – Yes. She told me – Abhishek, I have to ask you one thing. I am surprised. We both have together worked for so long and I have never seen you at any colleague’s family function. Not even at marriages. How come you attend this birthday party.

I wanted to say to her that the colleague whose son birthday party is this is my favorite colleague but saying that in front of 5 female colleagues would ruin my reputation more than confessing that I like to drink beer. It would be like telling your current team leader that I really liked this job when I was working for that xyz team leader.

Since I didn’t wanted to hurt any of my colleagues’ sentiments so I said – Until today, I never got an invite for a birthday party and I love to eat cake.

We chatted for few more minutes and then it was time for leave. The senior manager suggested that the colleague who has come with her husband lives near my home and can drop me. I am a dedicated employee. If a senior manager gives a suggestion, I take it as an instruction and decided to tag along with the female colleague and her husband.

The husband of female colleague asked me where I would like being dropped and I wanted to say on the next red light. However, once you have decided to take a suggestion as an instruction then there is no point in showing attitude. So I told him anywhere in Koregaon Park. They dropped me in Koregaon Park about 5 kms away from my home. I thanked them and left as quickly as possible.

I checked the nearest auto stand and found it was so late that not a single rickshaw was available. This meant after having the dinner of idli sambhar chutni I had to walk for 5 kms to reach my home. Arrrhhhhhhh………

To sum up

I love to eat cake but what I love more is to write blogs about the mundane incidents of my life.

PS. Thanks a lot for reading my blog.