Why does electricity go off when it rains?

In school i was taught India has unity in diversity. When i grew up i found what was taught to me in school is correct. However, unfortunately, there is a difference between theory and practice; as i grew up i found India is one but not because of the reasons mentioned by my school teachers.

I don’t remember much of what was taught to me in school and it really doesn’t matter anymore because i have cleared my school exams and nobody is ever gonna bother me again with theoretical questions (except in a job interview where the interviewer has no clue of what i do). The truth is India has unity in diversity because whichever part of India you will visit you will find corrupt traffic cops, few anti-bachelor neighbors and an immediate power-cut whenever it will rain in your city.

Last night, just like every other average Indian guy, i was at  home, watching pirated downloaded movie on my laptop and waiting for my dabba. The dabbawalla came, knocked on my door, yelled ‘Sir, please eat your dabba. It’s raining’ and left. I yelled back, “Okay” and wondered, what is the relationship between rain and eating your dabba at 9 pm? Since i couldn’t figure it out i decided to take help from a higher authority and decided to google it. However, before i could google it  the internet connection stopped working.  Along with internet the tubelight and fan in my room also stopped working. The darkness in my room brought to  light the reason why my dabbawalla had asked me to immediately eat my dabba, but unfortunately it was too late. Also, since it rained all night in Pune electricity supply was not restored the entire night.  Somebody has rightly said “college education is no substitute for  street-smartness. “

In the morning i woke up to a rotating fan.  The power supply  was back and this  was a huge relief to me because now i could use google. I googled for relationship between rain and power cut. This google search led to the discovery of the second question of my life which even google couldn’t answer. (The first question being ‘What women what?’)  

Google’s failure meant i had to use my brain to figure out the relationship between rain and immediate power cuts. Although i am not as intelligent or resourceful as google i gave a serious thought to what co-relationship can exist between Variable A (Rain) and Variable B (Blackout). I think the reason our state electricity boards cut power when it rains is because they consider rain as a sign from God to enforce a blackout.

I know this might not be a perfect answer because it is from me and not from google but i still hope that you will agree with me. If you don’t then please kindly enlighten me with a better reason by typing in the comment box.

Revolution 20:20 ... Before you write its review ...

Chetan Bhagat’s new novel, Revolution 20:20, is now available on stands. I guess there are only three types of people who still don’t know about this:

1. People outside India. 
2. People that don’t have access to Twitter or TV. (ie People earning less than Rs 32 per day.) 
3. People for whom internet is equal to Email and Facebook. Email is for work and sending their CVs to friends and friends of friends. Facebook is for pics and chatting. (ie Orkutians on Facebook who click links which will tell you who visited your profile.) 

I purchased my copy of Revolution 20:20 today. I also have a blog. This makes me eligible to write a book review of Revolution 20:20 although last year i watched more movies based upon novels than the number of novels read by me. 

So what makes me eligible to review a best-selling author's book? Did i mention i have a Twitter account? Earlier you had to study hard and do some relevant work to become to an expert. Nowadays all you need is to just join Twitter. You don’t believe me. Check your timeline next time India is playing a cricket match. 

I guess all i want to say here is that if you are gonna trust my book review of Revolution 20:20 then i am sure you are gullible enough to accept that you have inherited your Nigerian Uncle’s fortune or won a lottery worth GBP 100 million or know who has visited your profile on Facebook.

Looking at the sales figure of Revolution 20:20 i am sure there are going to be lots of review of it. I am also sure most of them will be done by the following three kinds of people:

1. People have read CB’s earlier books and CB has not blocked them. A review saying it is a good story. 
2. People who have been blocked by CB on twitter. They will not review the book. They will tweet links telling you the book is now available on Flipkart for Rs 84. I guess these guys also judge people on the basis of the salary he/she earns. 
3. Wannabe writers. Review will be ….. you have guessed it, haven’t you? I wrote a 1,000 word blurb for this guy’s book. I hope in return my publisher is able to get a 20 word blurb for my book. 

The truth is whether you like it or not Revolution 20:20 is going to sell more copies this year than any other English novel in India. If you decide to review the book then please only review the book. After all if you think you are good enough to write a book review then i guess you must be good enough to your keep personal biases outside the review. If you don’t, you might get lots of comments on your blog but judging a book on the basis of its author is not the right way to write a book review.

To sum up

If you have read CB’s earlier books and enjoyed them you are going to love Revolution 20:20. If you have been blocked by CB on twitter there is no need to tell us at how much discount the book is now available. Only those who have been blocked by CB on twitter are interested in it and there are not many of them.

Please join the queue

George Bernard Shaw said patriotism is the conviction that your country is superior to others because you were born in it. I was born in India and hence India is the greatest nation for me. We have a great past, an economy that is growing at a breakneck speed and enough corruption that encourages Indians to migrate to USA.

From cows on roads to people talking in English with fake accent we have the best and worst in the world. Usually we tend to remember the best and shrug shoulders about the worst saying that’s the way things are. However, one of the best things that recently happened is that finally we have realized corruption is unacceptable and the worst is we all still long to have an out of turn chance.

Thanks to multiplexes we don’t have to stand in long queues and since we still don’t have enough multiplexes, single screen theatres have long queues and tickets are sold in black. Nothing wrong with that. It’s simple economics. The demand for tickets exceeds the supply and somebody is making money by hoarding tickets. Ok, not simple economics, just simple Indian economics. #IndianCulture

I don’t think it is wrong. Some people support the fight against corruption and find nothing wrong in purchasing tickets in black or bribing a traffic cop. My guess is the fight against corruption for these guys is a fight against people accepting bribes because as per them the payer of bribe is always a victim.

I don’t care about the black ticket market. What i really hate is when somebody approaches people standing near the ticket window and requests them to buy a ticket for him. The general attitude about it is that it’s nothing wrong as long as i do it. I know it is not illegal but definitely it is wrong.

I saw the same happening when i was standing in the queue for Harry Potter7 and i wondered what was the conversation between the person standing in queue and the guy with Rs 100 in hand:

SOB: (showing a Rs 100 note) Excuse me, please buy one ticket for me.

Guy in queue: Who me? Are you nuts? I stood for half hour to reach here and so many people are standing behind me. Look at the queue. It is so long. You want me to buy a ticket so that the last person in the queue won’t get a ticket for which he might have stood more than an hour. What is wrong with you? Do you want me to screw the last guy in the queue just because i could help you and feel nice?

SOB: Yes.

Guy in queue: Ok. (Takes the Rs 100 note).

You know this is all what is wrong about India. We are not bad people. We just love to please people and so we do things which we are not supposed to do. In fact we are such nice people that when we are standing at the end of a queue and see someone trying to purchase tickets by breaking the queue we don’t shout, “Boss, you are not handicapped and the queue is not that long. Please join the queue.”

Boling water, burning fingers

Few days back i visited a doctor and was diagnosed with stomach infection. The doctor told me to drink boiled water and i told her that i drink only Bisleri and beer. She replied, “Still, drink only boiled water.” I waited for her to add ‘Also only boiled beer’ but she didn’t mention it.

The reason i order a 20 liter bottle of Bisleri every week is not because i am rich but because i am lazy. The drinking water tap of the house i stay is on the ground floor and i stay on the first floor. Thanks to the mall revolution in India the only mode of travelling within floors i am now comfortable is escalators and lifts. Hence, i find the task of walking one floor down just to fetch 2-3 bottles of water as tedious as sitting in a meeting doing small talks with my boss until other team-losers (members) show up or send a message that they are too busy to attending meetings.

Today i poured water in a cauldron and put it on the gas for boiling. After few minutes i spotted something in the cauldron and to remove it inserted my finger in water. Yeah, i know what you are thinking. I am in cooking what Ravindra Jadeja is in international cricket. Total abject miserable abysmal failure.

The first thing i did after inserting my figure into water which was about to reach boiling point was to remove it. The second thing was to run to the washbasin and pour some water on it. The third thing was to switch off the gas. The fourth thing was to address myself in the language which truly shows i am a huge fan of Delhi Belly.

I still don’t get it. How could i have been so stupid or in Delhi Belly version, “Itna bada cutiyaapa kaise ho gaya?” I am the guy who in the 12^th class solved every question correctly before anybody else in the coaching class. This thing made me extremely popular among my coaching class teachers and extremely unpopular among my peers. Today most of the girls in my 12^th coaching class can cook Indian, Chinese…etc etc (etc etc depending what do their husbands like) and i cannot even boil water.

I am unable to fathom this incident of my life. I know i am a man with average IQ and poor cooking skills. Still this doesn’t explain the phenomena of my IQ falling to a 3 years old in front of boiling water? I just don’t understand the logic. I mean why?...Why did God gave me the ability to memorize tables till 30 but no ability to boil water?

The old video games

There are some video games that are immortal. You can play them irrespective of the age but probably the first time you played them was in a video game parlor with a friend when your height was half of what it is now.

I don’t remember the first video game i ever played. Was it a car race or some fight game? Got no memories of it. But i have got memories of Contra, Mario and Mortal Kombat4. The animations were stupid, the tasks simple and the fun unlimited. All i now remember is after playing for the first time i was hooked to them and my unit test marks suffered a lot. Yes, weekly unit tests….they were perfect preparation for office life where the next deadline starts approaching before you have achieved the one in hand.

Compared to modern realistic games our old video games have little to offer. I sometimes wonder how i will explain my favorite video games to my kids. Will i say to them in Pacman we raced a yellow circle that ate dots while being chased by clowns? In Tetris various blocks used to fall from sky which we had to arrange in a row and once arranged in a row, the row would disappear. Mario was about a man who was on a mission to save a princess. In that game we used to eat mushrooms, collect coins and jump on turtles.

Anyone remembers the Google Pacman doodle. When a colleague told me about it, i said i will play it just once. Just for old times sake. Then played it again, after all it just gonna take two more minutes, then again and again. I don’t remember how many times i played pacman on that day but few days later i read a news article that said pacman google doodle costed more than 100 million bucks to companies in wasted productivity. Most expensive google doodle ever. However, i never heard a single word against pacman doodle because i am sure most of the big boys in their big offices were playing pacman on that day.

Here is the link to that doodle. It is now a permanent webpage. Bookmark it. http://www.google.com/pacman/ ENJOY.

Meeting Offline

Couple of days back on Twitter a friend DMed me “I am in Pune. Would you like to meet on Tuesday, around 5?” The person who had sent me the DM is someone who regularly gives me feedback on my blogs which can be summed up as ‘You write ok but drink too much.”

I felt this is an opportunity to tell her i am not an alcoholic so i DMed back, “Sure. Barista. Aurora Towers. Ok?” She replied ok and i went back to watching a movie on my laptop.

Half an hour later i realized i have no idea how she looks and the only way she will be able to find me in Barista will be by approaching the fattest guy sitting in the café and asking, “Are you Abhishek?” So i DMed her my cell number and told her to call me when she reaches Barista. She replied with her cell number and an ok.

I reached in front of Barista and called her. She told me she is on the way. I thought for a while about entering in Barista and decided it is cheaper to walk on MG Road than having a good overpriced coffee.

Few minutes later i got a call from her saying she is standing in front of Barista and i told her to wait there. I reached Barista, we both greeted each other and then she pointing towards the door of Barista said, “Shall we go in?” and i replied, “Actually the coffee in there costs too much.”

Yes. I said to a girl whom i had met for the first time that let’s not have a coffee in Barista because it costs too much. This is one of those moments which my friends will always use to point out why you are single. It is also one of the moments where my Marwadi dad would be extremely proud of himself. This moment is the proof that he has successfully passed on all the essential Marwadi traits to his only son.

I am quite sure when my twitter friend heard no Barista because it costs too much she would have gone ‘What the hell’ in her mind but instead of that she replied , ”Then where do we sit?” I wanted to say, “You know it’s Pune. There must be same place nearby where we can have a cup of tea and vadapav.” I didn’t. Instead i said, “Let’s walk. It is MG Road. It has some very famous eateries.”

We found an old restaurant where we ordered something that might have cost 0.75 times of coffee in Barista and started talking. She told me about her work and i told her i feel looking at the tables that we are sitting in a very old restaurant.

Finally, it was time to part and i said to her i have seen an autorickshaw stand nearby. As we walked towards the auto stand she told to me, “You know there is one thing that i really wanted to ask you. I have seen a lot of your tweets on marriage or rather i must say anti-marriage tweets.” I told her i am a Marwadi Maheshwari and it is customary in our caste to get married within one year after post-graduation. She started giggling, then laughing and then laughing out loud. She stopped for a second and said, “As a Marwadi Maheshwari with such a personality it will be impossible for you to find a lifemate” and started laughing again. I wanted to say, “Thanks. I am doing my best to keep things that way” but i didn’t. I never got a chance to say it. She just wouldn’t stop laughing.

Luckily she saw an auto, waved her hand and the auto stopped. We both said goodbye and she left. I started walking towards Aurora towers and stopped in front of Barista. It has been a long time since i had a good cappuccino. Before i entered into Barista i remembered i had seen one of my favorite delicacies at the old restaurant in which we were sitting. I rushed back their, reached the counter and said, “One chocolate softy please.”

Diary of a Beer-a-holic

I think it all started during the first month of my first year in college. I was sitting in my room, playing Mortal Kombat (or Counter Strike or NFS, i don’t really remember). A guy in my hostel came to me and said, “You know what we are doing tonight?”

“Probably working on some stupid project”, i replied.

“No dude, not tonight. Tonight we all are partying on the terrace. Drinks, non-veg, everything.” He said.

I said cool and went back to the virtual world where i was beating the shit out of half-clad women or killing terrorists or killing cops or driving a Lamborghini. Totally dependent on the game i was playing.

My hostelmate waited for few seconds expecting i would say something after cool and realized i was more interested in PC games than him. So he blurted out the reason of his visit. He said,” Would you like to join us?”

I thought for a moment. Few days back we had got an Airtel Broadband connection in our room and since i was sharing room with another guy i never got a chance to test its speed. By saying no i would finally get some privacy and an opportunity to test the broadband’s speed by browsing through some of the popular video websites.

Unfortunately before i could say no to him another thought came to my mind. Whenever i watched old movies on TV there was one thing which i always felt fake. So i said yes, gave the contri and waited for the night where i will finally find out whether drunk people really talk like Keshto Mukherjee or not.

As i now remember it was one the best nights of my life. I ate non-veg for the first time, Chicken Biryani of which i only ate rice; had my first beer, Kingfisher; had my first whiskey, Royal Stag; had my first cigarette, choti Goldflake. The only thing i don’t remember is seeing my roommate during the party. Lucky Bastard guy. 


That night was beginning of a love affair. A love affair between me and beer. Ever since that night whenever i get a chance i drop into a bar and pick up a beer or two.

Looking at my past relationships i won't say i have been a nice guy. I have always been flirtatious by nature. I started with Kingfisher, had few one-night stands with Castle and Tuborg, fell to the charms of Foster, had a good time with Budweiser until some drunken guy told me Chutiye stop flushing your money down the loo, enjoyed my evenings with Haywards until i was seduced by Carlsberg. 

Life is so unpredictable. I thought i had found my soul-mate in Carlsberg when suddenly Kingfisher Ultra appeared in my life. The thing that people call as infatuation happened.  

I am in complete awe of those guys who can date two girls at one time. One thing they make shows like Emotional Atyachar possible and in my case i was having a tough time deciding whether i must dump Carlsberg or say to KF Ultra that i like you but i am in a serious relationship with someone else. 

Every time i visited a restro-bar with my friends, they started with checking out the chicks while i was going Carlsberg…..KF Ultra…… Carlsberg….KF Ultra in my mind. Damn. Life is so complicated. The only solution i could come up was to toss a coin. Head Carlsberg, tails KF Ultra.

Here, i would like to thank the govt of Maharashtra for helping me out. It increased the duty on beer by 100% at one stroke. The duty hike converted me into a dedicated family man and returned me to my first and real love of my life. Kingfisher Strong. 

I still remember the first sip i had after the duty hike. Kingfisher Strong behaved like an ideal bahu in Ekta Kapoor’s serials who wears sindoor, saree and feels naked until she have not adorned herself with at least 10 kgs of gold jewelry. She told me, “I know for the last few years you have been a complete asshole and i forgive you.” Thank you KF Strong. I love you too. I promise i will always remain faithful to you or until i move out of the State of Maharashtra.

Here is a trivia for the people that like and can still afford Carlsberg in Maharashtra. After the Second World War Winston Churchill was considered as a hero by the Dutch people because he had freed them from the Nazi rule. When he visited Copenhagen the Dutch decided to brew a special beer as a tribute to him. Yes, the Dutch send two crates of a lager to a man who smoked cigars and drank his scotch neat as a mark of respect and thanks.

If you know any beer trivia please tell me. There is a comment box at the end of this blog.

Cut to the present: I am sitting in a sonography clinic. There are 20 women, 4 men and uncountable number of children in the room. The women are sitting patiently for their turn, the men are sitting patiently for their turn, i am playing Blackjack on my mobile and the children are wreaking havoc.

I just don’t understand kids. What is their problem? This is a hospital and not a park. Please don’t turn it into a playground. I know children are angles on earth but sometime they do things which make you wish to send them back to heaven.

There was one interesting observation i made while sitting in the clinic for more than two hours. You remember Scorpion in Mortal Kombat. The guy who throws spear and says ‘Get over here’ to his opponents. Indian mother’s have the same ability.

Indian mother’s wherever they sit draw an imaginary Lakshman Rekha which their kids are not allowed to cross. Every time a kid reaches near the Lakshman Rekha, his/her mom shouts ‘Get over here’ and the child immediately returns back to his/her mother. Who would have thought Scorpion, one of the super-cool assassins, a total badass in the Mortal Kombat universe was inspired from the relationship between Indian mothers’ and their children.

Cut to one night before: I am lying on a table in a doctor’s clinic. The doctor has taken my blood pressure and is now busy punching my stomach.

“Does it hurt here?”

“Yes”

She gently punches few centimeters away from the last time and asks, “Does it hurt here?”

I want to say, “Dear Madam, let’s change places. I punch you and you tell me where it doesn’t hurt. I am an average fat Indian guy. I am not Superman, John Cena or the Great Khali although we both might weigh the same.” I don’t say it. I don’t think it is a good idea to cross the doctor who is gonna prescribe you medicines. 

Luckily the doctor is satisfied after 4-5 punches and we are now sitting across a table. She pulls out her prescription pad and start asking me questions.

Her first question is – “Do you drink?”

I wait for her to finish the question. Drink what madam? Water/ Tea/ Coffee/ Coke/ Pepsi/ Thumps Up/ Beer/ Whiskey/ Scotch/ Wine/ Piss/ Baba Ramdev ka Divya churn/ All of the above.

There is silence in the room for few seconds.

The doctor realizes i have not understood her question and asks, “Do you take hard drinks?”

“Only if you consider Beer as a hard drink”, I reply.

She says, “Hmm…..That explains a lot. Do you also eat a lot of Junk food?”

What type of question is this? I am a single guy living in a metro. I don’t eat fast food (junk as per her). I survive on it. 

I say yes.

She continues her interrogation and after every few questions scribbles something on her pad. What is this? Are we playing KBC? Do i win a pill for every question correctly answered?

The doctor hands me the prescription and as i pay her the consultation fees she says, “You know its nothing serious. But i will suggest you get a sonography done. Just as a precaution.”

Cut back to the present: Finally after waiting for more than two and a half hours the nurse opens the door and calls my name. I enter into the next room only to find i am now in a smaller room. What is this? Why i have been transferred from a spacious waiting room to a small, cramped one.

Why do doctors do such a thing? Is there some sort of a law which says before seeing the patient a doctor must transfer the patient into a smaller room? Was there some sort of a lottery for which patient the doctor will see next and i have won? Or is it the place where the nurses provide the patient some sort of counseling. You know the doctor is a nice guy. He really wants to help you. Hence, please don’t start crying or run away when you see the doctor tearing a pack of disposable syringes.

I am not scared of injections. The only thing that scares me is unrealistic deadlines at work. Bring on the injections. Bring on the Doctor. Now. Immediately. Please.

The nurse says the doctor will see you now and ushers me into a room where i see the doctor and a big machine with monitors. I want to ask the doctor what is an outdated mainframe computer doing here but i don’t. The rule Don’t-cross-the-doctor-who…….applies.

The doctor asks me to lie on a table behind a curtain, asks my name, then age, orders me to pull up my tshirt, loosen my jeans and turns up with a barcode scanner in hand.

The doctor presses me on the left side of my stomach with the barcode scanner and asks,”Does it pains here?” WTF. What is wrong with the whole medical profession? Why do you guys have to give me pain to know where i am experiencing pain?

The doctor tells me to turn on the left side and while hurting me with the barcode scanner asks what you do. I tell him my official designation in the organization and he asks me to turn on to the right side.

As he continues hurting me, he asks me whether the job is stressful. I want to say nowadays which thing is not stressful. I saw few kids in the waiting room and after two hours i wanted to perform Mortal Kombat Fatalities on each one of them. Imagine the stress their mothers who spend 24x7x365 with them have. I reply, “Little bit”.

The doctor says we are done and please wait outside for your report. I say thanks, collect my report and as i am walking out of the clinic i remember something i had read few months before on the back of a beer bottle. MRP Rs 110. For sale in Maharashtra State only. Consumption of Liquor is injurious to health.

Now only if the guys at United Breweries and SamMiller could tell us how much.

To sum up

As far as i know everybody nowadays lives a stressful life. The only person i know who lives a stress free life is my boss because i think he has got a PhD in Office Politics.