Dabbawallas are shrewd businessmen

Being a bachelor, single and away from home life gives me several privileges. There is no one who ask me to clean my room or wash my clothes. No one says that you are a nutcase just because I play loud music while drinking beer and think if my mom ever came to know about this she will have a heart attack and hence I must always deny to that I drink, smoke or wear the same jeans to work for the whole week or two.

The only problem I face because I live alone is dinner. I have stayed in a hostel during my graduation and my life improved a lot after I got a job, but sometimes I feel that I am still eating food from my hostel’s mess. The food my dabbawalla supplies sometimes makes me wonder whether my dabbawalla has got a hidden agenda of making me go on a diet.

My dabbawalla doesn’t supply bad food always. He specializes in supplying insipid food and makes an exception when his payday approaches. I have analyzed his business tactics without Microsoft excel and concluded that he is a shrewd businessman and as is the case of every shrewd businessman his customers hate him.

It is not that I have not tried different dabbas. Lunch is the tool through which I have experimented with a few dabbas and found that in Pune every dabbawalla is a shrewd businessman. I think the dabbawallas are like American MNC’s. They all supply goods that have been outsourced from the same factory. Unfortunately, unlike American MNC’s ,,they don’t have a corporate culture. Hence, they don’t have a call centre outsourced from Gurgaon or Bangalore that I can call to vent my anger. Hence, I am writing this blog.

I once cancelled my dinner dabba and resolved that every night I will eat at a restaurant. This plan worked successfully until a few deadlines in the office started approaching. I don’t have the energy to go to a restaurant or order food when after I leave office after 9 pm and so after spending a few nights eating Maggie and biscuits, I was back to dinner dabba.

The only good thing that came out from my failed resolution was that I became aware of the reason due to which dabbawallas supply food that ensures you will never have to visit VLCC for weight loss.  The reason dabbawalla don’t care for their customers is because they know the customers have no better options.

To sum up

Dabbawallas are like cellular service providers. You switch hoping better service and after a few days realize that everyone in this business promises great service but rarely delivers.   

Newspapers will survive

During my graduation I formed a habit of reading the Times of India. I used to come back from college and read all the cartoons and solve Sudoku before dinner. After dinner I used to read the part of TOI that contained news and think I was improving my knowledge of current affairs. Although till date I have never got a chance to demonstrate my knowledge of current affairs, I still read the Times of India. The only thing that has changed is that I now read TOI on my office computer.

I have stopped reading the newspaper ever since I got a job. I still subscribe to TOI only to find it at my door every morning and depositing it in the heap of raddi after I come back from office because there is no need for me to read newspaper anymore. When I come home, I have already read news from google news, laughed at cartoon thanks to my subscription to cartoon websites that deliver cartoons in my inbox and don’t have any interest or energy to solve Sudoku.

When I was studying TOI was my primary source of news and today it is google news. Many people say and few believe that the newspaper industry is dying. The newspaper companies are either setting websites that offer plethora of useless content (you don’t believe me, please visit TOI’s homepage) or becoming bankrupt.

The biggest difference between yesterday and today is the way I get news. Yesterday I used to read newspaper and wait for one whole day to get the update. Today I read google news and get updates as events take place. Today I not only read stories from TOI but also New York Times and don’t ever pay a single buck for it.

I think the web has made the world smaller and more competitive. The web is ensuring that only the fittest survive when people have access to the best news sources. It is a bad news for newspapers because now to know what is happening on the oil spill I am no more dependent on TOI or Dainik Bhaskar.

However, although I don’t read TOI’s print edition anymore I still subscribe to it. Every month the newspaperwala collects Rs 120 from me and after paying the subscription I say what’s the point in buying newspaper when you are not reading it. I guess old habits die hard even if they are useless.

To sum up

Save paper, read news online. Good slogan but will not work because I still cannot read news using my laptop while sitting on the toilet seat.

I am a chocoholic

I am a foodie. I love every type of cuisine and my belly is the proof of it. However, my all time favorite dishes are ice creams and chocolates. I have spent few Sundays eating nothing except ice creams and chocolates and telling my mom that the dabba today was ok and I ate it.

Today a colleague who had spent the last month in Europe came to office. The chaiwala came to my office with the morning tea and I received an IM that she has got chocolates for us and are kept on terrace.

Being a chocoholic I rushed to the terrace only to find my colleagues were swarming over the chocolates like bees. I wanted to shoo them away saying that’s my job but before I could do anything to cement my reputation of being a jerk I realized that I am not the only chocoholic in the company. Hence, I decided to follow the cardinal rule of chocoholic’s club that states whenever chocolates are being distributed kindly stand in queue and wait for your turn. Thank you for your patience and for not being a jerk.

I waited and waited for my turn sipping tea. People were chatting near the chocolate bag and I was losing my patience. Come on guys, move on. Its tea time. Don’t you have any work? Please. I promise I won’t eat enough chocolates that will make me skip lunch but double breakfast, come on I deserve it because I am a chocoholic.

As I finished my second cup of tea my turn came. I went to the chocolates bag and found few chocolates were left. I decided to eat all of them as my second breakfast and when people will complain about it I will say,”I have done enough to become the President of the office’s chocoholic club, haven’t I?”

After picking my first chocolate I felt there were few chocoholics in office who have not yet received a single chocolate. So I picked up one more and left. After all I am planning to run for the post of office’s chocoholic club President and every politician knows if you want to win an election then don’t things that will piss off your electorates.

To sum up

Chocolates are bad. They ruin your teeth. They make you fat. Chocolates are yuck. Give me your chocolates.

Working on a deadline

The last few days have been the best days of my life because I have not worked on any deadline. No one said to me that we are short of resources and we need your help and no one told me that if we don’t achieve this deadline our performance appraisal is screwed.

During the last few days I have been doing my eight hours of work and going home. This has made me believe that God exists, listens to my prayers and has told Satan to leave me alone. I was working yesterday after lunch that suddenly a senior colleague told to me that she has work for me that I love to do.

I wanted to tell her that if its work then I am the most unromantic person in the world. However she is a senior colleague and giving her an idea that I hate work is equivalent of telling a cop that you are kleptomaniac. I looked at her and asked her what does she think I love to do. She told me there is a deadline and I need to support her to achieve it. I asked what about your team and she said the guy who was supposed to do the work that you are going to do has said he is uncomfortable doing it.

I wanted to tell her that I have my own project and it also has a deadline but then that senior colleague few days later is going to work with me on my project. Also I am sure that my senior colleague attends many more we-can-do-it strategy meetings than me and has a better knowledge of our organization’s priorities than I do. So I asked her when do I need to shift to her project and she said immediately.

I told her to give me the necessary files and went to work. While working on deadline I realized this was not the work that could be done within the time allotted. I thought about telling the senior colleague that the deadline is not tough but impossible to achieve. However, she was busy managing the project like an Indian batsman who knows although the test cannot be saved we can avoid an innings defeat.

Looking at the way she was trying to achieve deadline I decided to do what every Indian bowler tries to do when the batsmen have failed. I decided to support her as much as I can because we were now a team and no one wants to be part of a team that can play but cannot win.

To sum up

The number one thing deadlines teach us is that never give up unless you have couple of job offers in hand.  

Watching Magadheera

I am not a movie buff. I like to watch only action and horror movies and that’s all what I watch. However, being an Indian whenever I want to watch a good movie I have to watch a Hollywood one because forget watching Bollywood movies in theaters, they are not even worth the bandwidth spend on downloading. Few months back I went to the guy living next to my room and asked him if he had any English movies. I don’t remember what he said because of my poor memory but I remember he gave me few mallu movies saying you won’t be disappointed.

I am sure if you are a North Indian you may think South Indian movies are all about Rajnikant or Chiranjeevi or heroines that are working in South India because Mallika Shewarat and Rakhi Sawant still don’t reject movies because of date problems. If you are a South Indian you may be saying that the North Indian perception of South Indian movies shows eating only paneer and chicken can make a person fat and a bastard and I support you.

I told you before I like to watch action movies. Hence, believe me Bollywood movies with their awesome starcast and bad stories can ruin your Sunday. However, South Indian movies with their at par with Hollywood action techniques are not only fun but also teach us that if you want to enjoy your life then you must always subscribe to the unlimited downloading plan.

Few days back one of my friends in office told me to download Aayirathil Oruvan. I asked him why he is telling me to download a movie whose name I can’t even spell and he told me because it is one of the best movies of this year. Being a friend I know his taste and that when he gives 3 stars to an action movie it is a five stars movie for me. I downloaded Aayirathil Oruvan and found that the torrent didn’t have a subtitles file. I googled for its subtitles but couldn’t find it.

Disappointed I said to myself this movie is going to the recycle bin. However, before deleting it I decided to have a quick look at the action scenes and this movie is still sitting on my hard drive.  

Few days back the same friend told me to download Magadheera. After watching Aayirathil Oruvan I have stopped questioning my friend why must I download a movie. I downloaded the movie and found it is a good movie. There are not many action scenes in it but whatever it has are very good. There is a good action sequence at the beginning but then you have to fast forward the movie for a long time to reach at the next action scene.

I reported the same to my friend and he told me so what, the heroine is cute, isn’t she. I wanted to tell my friend I had only watched the actions scenes in the movie Magadheera and didn’t take a single look at the heroine but I didn’t say so because I know my friend and his next question would have been, “Seriously dude, are you gay or something?”

To sum up

Dear Bollywood, spend half of the money you do on marketing movies on the movie’s story and there would be no guy who doesn’t understand Tamil or Malayalam watching a South Indian movie.

I wish I was not such a nice person

My first job was in Gurgaon. The person taking my interview told me that the company has a cab service and hence although I lived far away from the office, there was no need for me to worry about the chaotic Gurgaon traffic. After joining the company I realized that due to the the chaotic Gurgaon traffic I had to spend one hour sitting in the cab while going to the office and one hour sitting in the cab while coming back from the office.

Spending two hours everyday in a cab meant that when I worked for 10 hours in office, I was effectively giving 12 hours to my job, when I was working 12 hours on a single day, I was giving 14 hours to my job and when I worked 14 hours on a single day I wished if I could sleep in office.

After Gurgaon I shifted to Pune. During my interview with my current company's CFO I told her that I wanted to delay my joining by ten days because I wanted to search for a room to stay near the office. The CFO asked me what is the guarantee that you will find a room near office in ten days and I told her if I cannot find a room near office in ten days then it would mean that there were no rooms available near our office. I think my reply satisfied her because she granted me the much needed ten days delay in joining the company.

Within a week I found a room that is five minutes away from my office and have been staying alone in it irrespective of the number of suggestions I have received that staying with me will halve your rental cost. This also means one of my colleague who doesn’t stay in Pune whenever he misses his train spends the night at my room.

Tonight at around 10:00 pm I received a call from my colleague who doesn’t stay in Pune. I guessed a call from him at this time meant that he had missed his local and wanted to spend the night at my room. I thought about ignoring the call and asking him tomorrow,” Hey buddy, what happened? I saw your name in the missed calls today.” But that would have been a lie and as someone who has spend few months sitting for more than one hour in a cab wishing his room was nearer to office I had to pick up the phone and say, “Sure buddy, you are welcome. After all a friend in need is a friend indeed………ha…ha…ha”

I told my friend that he can spend the night at my room and he was in my room within five minutes. I welcomed my friend in my room and he saw a pen in my hand. He asked me what are you doing and I told him I am trying to write a blog.

My friend told me if you are trying to write a blog then shouldn’t you be sitting in front of your laptop. I wanted to tell him to stop talking like an MBA because MBAs are people who have never done any work but believe they can improve efficiency by giving suggestions that are full of jargons and never work.

I wanted to tell my friend that when I don’t have any ideas to write a blog I like to scribble something on paper. However, my friend was looking at me as if I was an uncle who regularly used stairs to reach flat no. 701 when the apartment had elevator because he wanted some exercise.  I don’t contest the argument that climbing seven floors using stairs is good for physical health. I just want to add that if you climb seven floors using stairs then surely you will get a good workout and you also need to get you head examined.

Since my friend had talked like an MBA I decided to use the time tested trick of diverting his attention so that he won’t bother me anymore. I asked him since I was not using my laptop to write a blog so would he be interested in watching a movie on my laptop.

To sum up

Dear friend, I am a nice person. Don’t do things that will make me feel that nowadays being a nice person is a mistake. 

What the Indian cricket team needs to do now.

An Indian who says that he likes cricket is a lair. No Indian likes cricket. We love cricket. Cricket is the passion of every Indian and we don’t love our cricketers. We worship them. Hence, today when I read on cricinfo that India lost to Zimbabwe I said WTF and that was not because we lost. As an Indian cricket fan I know my team always bounces back but the way we lost I had to say I feel being let down.

Tonight I am not sad because we lost. Tonight I am sad because the way we lost. We lost because our team played as if it had no desire to win. We were playing against a team that doesn’t even have money to buy good cricket kits for its players and we lost. I know we all have bad days and then we have good days in office but failure and lack of effort are two absolutely different things. You can justify failure to me by saying all days are not same but refusal to give 100% effort in the field is completely unacceptable.

Losing to Zimbabwe doesn’t mean that I will not support India anymore. It just means the next time I see an ad featuring Indian cricketer on TV I am going to say the reason Australia is so successful is because its players do not get any ads. The biggest difference between Australia and us is not that the Australian diet consists of a secret ingredient that produces legends. The difference between Australia and us is of attitude. When Australia is losing the players are not giving their 100%. They are giving 110%. They know that their defeat in this match is inevitable but they also believe that what is inevitable can be delayed.

Our guys gave a target of 195 runs to be chased in a 50 overs match. Nowadays even in a T20 this total won’t guarantee us a win. The match was over even before Zimbabwe batted. However what was not over was the fight for the bonus point. As far as I see it the reason we lost so poorly was because none of the our bowlers bowled with the intent of picking five wickets. We said to Zimbabwe that we hope you guys make mistakes so that we can put up a fight. Sorry guys but in international cricket a man who is proud to wear his nation’s cap is not the one who capitalizes on the mistakes of opposition but he is someone who gives 110% when he has no hope of winning.

To sum up

What Indian team needs to do is to hire me. I hold a Phd in not doing my job and blaming someone else for my failure.

Email is not Facebook

Last Friday I had a deadline. I reached office and the project manager told me that the team has decided that it will work late tonight so that we don’t have to come to office on Saturday. I told her, “Fine. I will do my best” and started working. What I did not tell her was that I too wanted the same because I am an average Indian guy and I don’t like my weekend being screwed by work.

After working for few hours I received an email from a friend. It was a kind of email that you write to your close friends to stay in touch. The email said there is too much heat in my city and btw this and that happened in my life and ends with I have to go but I will tell you more later.

I read the email and since I was working on a deadline decided to reply after lunch. As it happens with deadlines personal work after lunch became I will do it after evening tea and after evening tea it became I will do it from home. We achieved the deadline and I spent the next two days sleeping, eating and without thinking about her mail. 

On Monday I reached office and found a mail from her with the subject '????????????’ I realized the mail was about the unreplied mail. I replied to her mail saying sorry couldn't reply to your mail on Friday because I was working on a deadline. I am glad to know this and that happened in your life and guess what this and that happened in my life and ended the mail with a wish that God may send some rain to her and my city.

I pressed the send button and few minutes later received mail from my friend with the subject ‘RE:RE:????????????’ I opened the mail and read the reply given by her to my this and that is happening in my life mail. Her reply was – I can’t believe it. You just ignored my mail.

I read the mail and said to myself, ”Sorry friend I ignored your mail but I can do it. You are my friend and not my boss.”

To sum up

There is no such thing as work-life balance. You can either have work or a life.